A look at the good side

Well, Belle was ok with missing her shows (which she hates to miss) as long as she could see a visual schedule of what we were doing, she was nice to our friends, cooperative at lunch, took good care of her horse, got to go to the library with the neighbors and invited them to swim and swam with them. She’s even agreed to give the math computer game a try with the sitter/tutor! Can’t beat a day like today. Floods and rain in downtown Detroit and sunshine here (in more ways than one)!

playing with friends

Having and keeping friends is one of the biggest challenges of austism primarily because the child can’t put themselves in someone else’s shoes and relates in a very self-centered way. When Belle really likes someone she craves her time with that person, but doesn’t always consider her friend’s feelings or desires. Until now Belle usually had friends come to our house so i could monitor and facilitate the play date, but now she has a new friend next door and she only wants to play there (eat there, stay there for hours etc). Luckily the feelings are mutual and the girl seems to really like Belle’s company, but sometimes she would like to come to our house or do something else. I tried to talk to belle and suggested that they come here -NO, then I offered to take them to target or petco-NO, then i said that tomorrow would have to be her friend’s choice since she’s getting bored always playing at her house- belle said ok and that maybe they could go outside for a while too. When it was time for her to come home she walked in with a smile on her face and wet hair, “we played outside in the rain and had lots of fun” . Well i guess it was better than being bored in the house?

confusing frustration

Sometimes Maribel displays anger or frustration that seems irrational, but usually can be connected to some type of a communication or social miscue or misunderstanding.  My sitter mentioned that Maribel was on the computer and then went downstairs to play nintendo, but came back a few minutes later and was upset because the sitter was using the computer. She didn’t explain why, just said “hey i need that, don’t use my computer”. It didn’t make sense to me that maribel would be using both the computer and the game system and not sharing the computer. Was she being controlling? Was she accessing something on the computer that she didn’t want the sitter to see? I couldn’t really ask her right away because i wanted to respect the sitter/ belle relationship and not make her think that she was tattled on, but it wasn’t long before she did the same to me. She didn’t want me to touch my computer and she was running back and forth from the basement.  Then i heard her reciting directions and realized that she was using the computer to figure out how to “beat” a game on the game cube so it was frustrating for her when she came back to the computer for the next step and have the screen be changed! Now i just have to explain to her that she needs to make a plan with whoever else needs the computer, communicate clearly, ask nicely and compromise (a skill we’ve been working on and requires a great deal of verbal skills and calmness).

math or math?

belle- mom why do we have this math disc, i’m not doing it so why did you even open it?

me- well, you have to do some kind of math this summer, but we do have this math workbook that your teacher sent home maybe you’d rather do that?

belle- no worksheets or workbooks! I’ll try the disc.

me-good, then you can take math in middle school, be ready for high school and be able to graduate.

That’s what we call a “forced choice” and planning together for her future. Now we can make some choices as to how often and how long to do the disc and who she would like to be with her when she tries it for the 1st time.

Is it a horse or a pony?

Horses are categorized by size and if a horse is under a certain size he’s considered a pony for show purposes. We happen to have one of those horses who would be considered a pony, but looks like a horse. He’s the perfect size for us, but maribel doesn’t want anyone to call him a pony even though he is. Well, of course, it happened yesterday that a girl at the barn said hello, asked about “harry potter” and then said that he’s a pony (which is a big deal to young horse girls who are also riding ponies).  Instead of agreeing with her Belle got angry and i was sandwiched in between the girl insisting that we have a pony and Belle whispering that some people should just mind their own business and that we have a horse and that we should put a big sign on our stall saying that our horse is a horse. I really couldn’t indulge her in this since it’s going to happen again and she’s going to have to accept that our horse IS a pony.  So i thanked the young girl who pointed out the fact to us and we went off to give our horse a bath. While Belle was happy and relaxed with her horse I explained to her that, like it or not, if our horse was in a show he would compete against other horses his size and that they would all be “ponies” and that it’s no different than a dog show where the dogs are in the herding dog “category” or the lap dog “category”.  She looked at her beautiful horse, at the young girl who talked to us walk by with her “pony”, and then at me and said “ok, ok, he’s a pony”.

small talk

One thing that Belle just doesn’t see the purpose of is small talk.  She just wishes that nobody would ever ask her how she is or how her day is going, but she just doesn’t seem to realize that when she answers by saying “i don’t want to talk right now” or doesn’t answer at all then people think she’s being rude. When i pointed that out to her she was upset -“I’m not rude!!” So I asked her to just answer with a very short and quick “I’m fine” or “It’s good” . As usual, her processing is delayed and the results of my efforts sneak up on me,  but it wasn’t even 4 hours later and a woman who was talking to me said hello in a very cheery way (that belle usually dislikes) and instead of being “rude” she said hello very nicely and we went on our way. I topped it off with a “thanks for being polite to that lady” and we were off for sushi.

working through cooperation

belle has her comfort zone and going to a party with a house full of strangers is not in it. We respect that, but needed to go to our neighbor’s and friend’s for a few hours. Belle put her foot down- she was not going. It went like this:

-i am not going , i’m staying home and you can’t make me go.

-can i stay home for one hour and then bring a friend?

-there’s cake???!!!

-i’ll go over for cake, but i’m not talking to anyone.

-“oh, hi marianne. Nice cake. can i have a brownie too?”

-“can we go home now?”

It all works out in the end.

conversation- working through frustration

scene- i knew belle had a bad experience in swimming related to
goggles and was upset in school. i am at the pick up driveway and she is
looking down with her hair in her face. i have to get her home and get
back to school.
  
  me- smiley face/ happy -setting a positive tone  (even though a
storms abrewing)
    hey belle , guess what! rolo didn’t have surgery today i got the
day wrong- what a goof.  (a little distraction) i’m gonna drop you off to
david and head back to school for a meeting. then we can go for sushi
since i heard you did great in school
  belle-oh rolly…..why is my hair always frizzy? why are there so
many people at our house?(we have painters here)  i’m not going in there!
i don’t want to stay with david. i don’t want you to go to a meeting
  
  me- well let’s go in together and see what’s up and where you can go
that you’ll feel comfortable. maybe we can sneak up to my room and turn
on the tv so you don’t have to hear any of the workers (listening,
empowering, but not giving in)
  
  belle cuddled in my bed and and turned on a jelly fish show (physical
comfort)- i left her there while i ran to the meeting and then went to
talk to her when i got back. (quiet)
  
  me- belle did you have a problem in swimming today with some goggles?
  
  belle-yes they were mine and she stole them and i lost them last time
and the teacher said that i had to give them back and i wanted her to
be in trouble and i want those goggles!
  
  me- a girl in  your swimming class has goggles that look like ones
you lost a while ago and you want them back? (reflective
listening/clarifying) gee, i wish we had put your name on those other gogggles then we
would know for sure. what if we go pick out new green ones at target
and put your name on this time? (problem solving)
  
  belle- NO- she has mine!!  (crying now, but not as angry) i don’t
want new ones i want mine- she took them and she lied and i’m angry and
i’m going to tell on her.
  
  me- (empathizing and distracting, but not lecturing or being
personal) you know, that happens all the time in our pool in the summer and
kids do get angry. that’s why i always put your name on your favorite
goggles and i always bought a lot of extras. I feels bad when you don’t
have your favorite thing and even worse if you think someone else took it.
(reflecting feelings)
  
  i left her alone for a little while to relax and watch the jelly fish
and i got busy with a few things (withdrawing attention)-belle got
less verbal
  
  then i reingaged to give positive feedback for her relaxing
  
  me- belle can i give you a hug? thanks for telling me the problem.
are you hungry, do you need a snack (meeting physical needs as well as
emotional) wow look at those jelly fish eating that fish on tv!
(distraction)
  
  belle- 20 min. later- i’m still mad at her. i want her to give those
back and i want her to be punished
  
  me- silence (nonverbal and modeling relaxed behavior)
  
  belle-i hate her
  
  me- silence
  
  belle- silence
  
  me- a back rub and “good job relaxing”  (positive reinforcement)
  
  belle-hey let’s go to target and look at games!!
  
  me- yes you have earned a game according to your chart (knowing that
we would buy goggles, but not mentioning it now) (listening and moving
into the solution). do you want to go now or in 30 minutes (choices)
  
  belle- in 30 minutes
  
  after that i just used a combo of change of environment, distraction,
planning other fun school activities, problem solving and self esteem
building techniques that will continue through tomorrow when she
actually has to face the girl again and she makes choices on her behavior. we
might even practice and role play and i will remind her of the rules. 
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  

posture and gait

hmmm, do we accept things the way they are or do we shape them gently to be more society acceptable. In the case of Belle walking with her head bent so far down that she was looking straight down to the ground instead of forward i decided to give it a go. First i checked her awareness- did she know she did it and did she know that it looked like she was sad? She said that she does know that she does it, but she’s not mad she’s just tired. I tried to communicate in a way that didn’t make her feel that i wanted to her be different than she is or that I didn’t like her, just to inform her of the facts and give her choices. I had her look in the mirror and see what it looked like and explained that holding your head us could actually give you energy. I just wasn’t sure that that was enough to motivate her so I decided to incorporate her special interest and say that if she wanted to be the “alpha dog” then holding her head up would help give her the look of power and authority and confidence. then when i saw her walking with her head help high i made sure i noticed and told her “good job holding your head up belle” (not gobbing on the praise, of course). We’ll keep working on it little by little.

how to have fun on vacation

as with everything else…have fun on vacation by remembering to: respect autism including sensory issues, frontload, take new experiences in babysteps, build on comfort and experience, give choices and lots of contact with special interests- in this case souveniers, dragons and dogs.  We had a great time this week seeing Wicked, traveling on planes, trains, subways, taxi’s and bike taxis- along with walking for miles. We just learned to walk to our destination (which she had a great deal of tolerance for) and get a ride back. Regular breaks and meals and we were all set.