conversation- working through frustration

scene- i knew belle had a bad experience in swimming related to
goggles and was upset in school. i am at the pick up driveway and she is
looking down with her hair in her face. i have to get her home and get
back to school.
  
  me- smiley face/ happy -setting a positive tone  (even though a
storms abrewing)
    hey belle , guess what! rolo didn’t have surgery today i got the
day wrong- what a goof.  (a little distraction) i’m gonna drop you off to
david and head back to school for a meeting. then we can go for sushi
since i heard you did great in school
  belle-oh rolly…..why is my hair always frizzy? why are there so
many people at our house?(we have painters here)  i’m not going in there!
i don’t want to stay with david. i don’t want you to go to a meeting
  
  me- well let’s go in together and see what’s up and where you can go
that you’ll feel comfortable. maybe we can sneak up to my room and turn
on the tv so you don’t have to hear any of the workers (listening,
empowering, but not giving in)
  
  belle cuddled in my bed and and turned on a jelly fish show (physical
comfort)- i left her there while i ran to the meeting and then went to
talk to her when i got back. (quiet)
  
  me- belle did you have a problem in swimming today with some goggles?
  
  belle-yes they were mine and she stole them and i lost them last time
and the teacher said that i had to give them back and i wanted her to
be in trouble and i want those goggles!
  
  me- a girl in  your swimming class has goggles that look like ones
you lost a while ago and you want them back? (reflective
listening/clarifying) gee, i wish we had put your name on those other gogggles then we
would know for sure. what if we go pick out new green ones at target
and put your name on this time? (problem solving)
  
  belle- NO- she has mine!!  (crying now, but not as angry) i don’t
want new ones i want mine- she took them and she lied and i’m angry and
i’m going to tell on her.
  
  me- (empathizing and distracting, but not lecturing or being
personal) you know, that happens all the time in our pool in the summer and
kids do get angry. that’s why i always put your name on your favorite
goggles and i always bought a lot of extras. I feels bad when you don’t
have your favorite thing and even worse if you think someone else took it.
(reflecting feelings)
  
  i left her alone for a little while to relax and watch the jelly fish
and i got busy with a few things (withdrawing attention)-belle got
less verbal
  
  then i reingaged to give positive feedback for her relaxing
  
  me- belle can i give you a hug? thanks for telling me the problem.
are you hungry, do you need a snack (meeting physical needs as well as
emotional) wow look at those jelly fish eating that fish on tv!
(distraction)
  
  belle- 20 min. later- i’m still mad at her. i want her to give those
back and i want her to be punished
  
  me- silence (nonverbal and modeling relaxed behavior)
  
  belle-i hate her
  
  me- silence
  
  belle- silence
  
  me- a back rub and “good job relaxing”  (positive reinforcement)
  
  belle-hey let’s go to target and look at games!!
  
  me- yes you have earned a game according to your chart (knowing that
we would buy goggles, but not mentioning it now) (listening and moving
into the solution). do you want to go now or in 30 minutes (choices)
  
  belle- in 30 minutes
  
  after that i just used a combo of change of environment, distraction,
planning other fun school activities, problem solving and self esteem
building techniques that will continue through tomorrow when she
actually has to face the girl again and she makes choices on her behavior. we
might even practice and role play and i will remind her of the rules. 
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  

Explore posts in the same categories: advice/ frequently asked questions, maribel quotes/ perspective, START info learned and used