the “stern” look

belle and i have been working on why she feels the staff get frustrated with her and i drew her a chart that showed

belle + “yes” +”ok”= staff 

She seemed to respond well to that, but i also explained that the staff can also get frustrated about things unrelated to her and that if they ask her to do her work they are not always frustrated. Then we reviewed the nanny 911 concepts of communication and respect.

Hard concepts…… i wrote to her teachers to explain what Belle and I had talked about so we could send similar messages.

Her teacher wrote back:   Belle talked with me this morning about “stern” looks and what that means.  We explored that sometimes people don’t look happy or sad or angry while they are giving her time (ie: to engage in tasks, check her schedule, make a choice, etc.).  She ended up calling that the “blank” face.  it was a good discussion.

If that’s not communication and respect I don’t know what is.

the dog dilemma

we were invited to go with our neighbors to the pet shop to look for a puppy this week (which is one of our favorite things to do). the local pet shop has a great sampling of popular mixed breeds so it gives you a chance to hold them and see what they look like before you decide on the breed you want, but the prices are very high and the source is questionable so our friends were not planning to buy one that day.

Of course, we all fell in love with a puppy. it was the perfect breed, size, gender, temperament- but they wanted $1000 for it! so our neighbors cuddled and played with him and said good-bye to go home and research the breed on the Internet to find a local breeder with dogs for 1/2 that price.

well, my daughter couldn’t believe that they would let that one go. she doesn’t have a good concept of money, but she does understand that there are a lot of different things to consider when getting a pet and that they all have to fit or it’s not the right match (we bought a horse last year and researched for 6 months).

since Monday i have heard almost daily agitated complaints about why they didn’t get that puppy. “It wasn’t sick, it was perfect, it was cute, it was a good temperament!”

the only response i can give her is a prompt to help her come up with the answer herself “but what wasn’t perfect? why didn’t they buy that one?

and then she “remembers” and stops whining and says “oh, that’s right it was a thousand dollars- i hope they find one they like on the Internet”.

many times she is telling herself a story and getting upset about it and all i have to say is, “is that true” and she relaxes and says “no” (it’s much more effective than if i tried to convince her that it’s not true)

and it’s over- we move on

she’ll blossom when she’s ready

Just when i start getting discouraged with my daughter’s progress she seems to advance in leaps and bounds and surprise me with her determination, goal setting, perseverance and optimism. She faces her fears and overcomes amazing personal obstacles and does things that I wouldn’t have expected her to. Asperger’s might be a social disorder, but sometimes a relationship just clicks with Belle that allows her to be her best. I guess you could say that the sun, and the moon and the stars align, but really it’s well planned out environmental and personal strategies that make it all work.

Snakes in a school

Well, Belle has presented us with a new challenge that I never thought i would face- she only likes to go to a class if the teacher has a snake!

How was science?-Good Mom, the snake looked at me, you know he eats goldfish?! (they’re studying the metric system)

How was Mr. Rabe’s class? -Good, do you know he thinks he’s getting a snake, but he could only find a big one. I told him maybe we could find one for him! (they study social skills in that class)

Pretty soon she’ll find a way for the principal to have a snake in her office and we’ll be donating frozen mice to the school.

She only learns what she wants to learn and right now it’s reptiles!

I believe

• I believe in the power of attraction, visualization and getting what you need from God and the universe
• I believe that someone will come into our lives that is knowledgeable, loving, kind and confident
• i believe that belle will find a way to give her gifts to the world
• i believe that belle will find someone who will see her intelligence, humor, love, passion and creativity
• I believe that we can find (or create) a school for belle that will let her shine and be at her best
• I believe that Belle is in our life to change the world
• I believe that we will always have friends and family that will stand by us and support us

I believe that God will bring us who and what we need- It has always happened before, it will happen again

pulling rank and testing behaviors at school

My daughter’s aide asked me today if she should try to get belle to do things for herself and gave the example of throwing away her garbage.

this is what i wrote to them:

I’ll use the garbage example to explain the strategies that i would use to increase compliance and why. I’m really glad she asked my advice before deciding how to handle the situation, her patience and maturity is greatly appreciated.
my recommendations-

1. continue to build trust and respect- the more maribel feels safe around you the more she will want to do things for you when asked or even independently.
2. make requests in a positive proactive way- “Belle, how about if we move the garbage can right next to your desk for a while then when you need to throw away your garbage it will be right there.” In that way your are making the assumption that eventually she will be independent in throwing things away and assuming also that it was only a logistics problem as apposed to her being defiant.
3. make things rule based- ” the janitors have a rule that we throw away all of our garbage or we can’t eat or play here anymore – and we don’t want to get ants.”
4. break it down into small steps or make it a team effort- “belle, i’m gonna get your milk carton, can you grab the plate and throw it away?”
5. ask for help instead of giving orders- “I’m so busy right now- can you help me clean up here so we can move on to —-?”
6. reinforce- “thanks for helping, cleaning, following the rules!” “you earned a __”
7. appreciate small steps toward compliance, respect and cooperation throughout the day.
8. model what you would like to see and hear-
9. make it fun? that could be tricky, but we have lots of fun at home doing boring things

basically i think: familiarize, desensitize, reinforce.

I often think of that movie “My Big fat Greek wedding” when she says that her trick to get her husband to do anything she wants him to is to make him think it was his idea. It works with men and Belle!

of course, you don’t have to do all the things above with every issue, but one or two should help move things in the right direction.

Also, it helps that I’m aware of the problem because i can really emphasize at home that she needs to be responsible for herself and not to expect others to do things for her- even me!

Conversations with Belle- by Dad

What is a Canadian?

Belle had seen something in a cartoon about people from Canada. Keep in mind she is 12 years old. “What is a Canadian?”, They are from Canada I told her. “Do you know where Canada is?” I asked, She told me no. She was surprised to learn that she had been there, that we hosted people at our summer home from Canada and that I look at Canada every day from my office window across the Detroit River.

Basic things like this can be taken for granted by us, or not put together by her from school last year. However, the good news is Maribel is asking, inquisitive and learning.

What is a Bad Word?

Today Belle wanted to know what a bad word was, who decided words were good or bad or what is really  wrong with these words? “Are people afraid that if you hear it you will say it?” she asked. At times, Belle seems to focus on something like this and will ask over and over – what is a bad word and what are Peggy and I really worried about? Recently she has asked about violence and horror also. “Why can’t I see it on TV? Are you afraid I will do something?” she asks.

On the surface it seems like an obsession. Questions over and over, from every angle. A deeper view would be is that Belle is asking pretty profound questions about wrong, right, morality, control, self righteousness and the like. She is trying to understand the crazy world around her. Even with her speech and language issues – she comes across unanswerable questions. “Who decided a swear word is a swear word?”  I sit back and say that is a good questions.

The influence of TV

Maribel doesn’t have any children in the neighborhood or school that call on her to play. Most of her days in the home are watching TV or working on the computer. We try to get her out and about including her daily horseback riding. That said, she watches a lot of Animal Planet and likes cartoons like the Simpson’s. She is focused on the age rating of shows and is constantly trying to understand why we restrict or limit her access to violence and language. “What are you afraid of Mom and Dad?, Just because I hear it, doesn’t mean I will say it or do it”. I talked to Belle about the influence of TV – whether it be ads, shows or movies. We talked about how sometimes people learn things on TV that seem cool or make people laugh, but are really inappropriate. She seems to struggle with our role as parents and is trying to understand why we do what we do. “What are you worried about Dad”. The answer is the world!

Music

Maribel listens to her IPOD everyday. When we are in the car, she has to use it when we drive. She is currently listening to Worship Jams. “Dad – what is The Savior? What is the Son of the Lord?”  Maribel didn’t go to CCD instruction like our boys. Getting her to sit, listen and memorize was out of the questions. She also doesn’t like Church because of the singing and load noises. So I explained about Jesus and his relationship to God. “Is God a spirit or a person? Is he the alpha boss of all the people? Does he have white hair? How did Jesus die and come alive?” and then “hey, Dad, I need to learn more about this stuff”  I never stop being amazed about what she can learn and how/where she will pick things up

Reincarnation

Yesterday I was trying to get a hug from Belle, which can be a challenge. I asked, “Belle – how come the dogs get a better hug from you than me?” – “Well, Dad, maybe after you die you can come back to earth as a dog and I will give you a hug”

Grandma

“Grandma is getting older”.  This was prompted by me telling Belle that her Mom turned 50 this month. “Is she going to die soon?”. she asked – I clarified “are you talking about Mom?” – “Yes” I explained that 50 is young and her Mom could live another 50 years to which she replied, “then Grandma is getting old and I don’t want to lose her. And who is going to record my favorite shows when she’s gone?”