it’s not what you say or give, it’s how you say or give it

 

When giving “rewards” to my daughter I often say “because you_____, I can ______ “or “Sure we can_____, since you were so cooperative with______.” “Or you did what I asked and were polite, we can ______.” I catch her doing something good and use what I would do with her anyways as verbal feedback and reinforcement. It avoids praise, making a big deal, singling her out, “holding things over her head”, frustrating her about being submissive, and threats (which can occur with if /then statements). I try to be creative and occasionally throw in the “Sorry I can’t____, because you didn’t ____.” Positive feedback is 3-5 x more frequent than negative- we build up the bank. I strategize everything I say to her.