analyzing behavior

Behavior has always been intriguing and challenging to me as a Mom. I have a nursing background so when my boys were young I often did somewhat of a nursing care plan in order to chart behaviors and strategize ways to eliminate or replace the behavior. My husband and i even took parenting classes so that we would have the same goals and parenting techniques, understood consequences and how to apply them, both natural and logical. If all else failed we would turn to a reward system and some appropriate reinforcers and whala! three happy, loving, respectful, mature young men developed.

…and then I was blessed with a little girl with autism. Consequences didn’t make sense, communication was a huge roadblock, reasons for behaviors became allusive, and reinforcers took a lot of creativity to figure out and usually needed to be changed frequently. Along with that was the curious delema of my daughter exhibiting defiant behaviors at school that she never does at home and loving, trusting, mature behaviors at home that she doesn’t exhibit at school. Mix that with middle school,depression, lack of confidence, inconsistent communication (and academic) skills and extreme passions and you have a pretty miserable child (and school personal)

For years I’ve been asking for staff familiar with behavior analysis- looking beyond the specific behavior to what the function of the behavior is (usually power, fear of failure, to make a demand, to escape or refuse, or for self- gratification) and then finding replacement behaviors that are appropriate.

From what i can tell my daughter’s having 2-3 meltdowns a day in school where she picks some arbitrary reason for not complying with their requests (you need a snake, or my friend is mad at me), then ends up in the office on the floor and gets the aide on the verge of tears.  Three staff members take turns dealing with her (she sure knows how to get attention and control) usually without success in compliance, but some deescalation of the behavior. I’m trying to guide the team to figure out the function of the behaviors and to identify, teach and reinforce replacement behaviors, but i don’t really know how to do that myself and I know they don’t, so it goes into it’s negative cycle.

my goal- find the help we need, find the environment that has what she needs and avoids what she doesn’t 9sensory overload), find experienced staff that has seen this before, learn as much as i can about behavior, it’s function and teaching replacement behaviors, and doing what i can at home to teach the skills my daughter needs to succeed in a more uncomfortable, scary environment (how to refuse, how to request, how to compromise)

action- we have a behavioral therapist coming over next week. Continue to work with the school team, request a behavior plan update at school overseen by an autism behavior expert. Get a message and then meditate.

We have to do this for our future, for her future!

Snakes in a school

Well, Belle has presented us with a new challenge that I never thought i would face- she only likes to go to a class if the teacher has a snake!

How was science?-Good Mom, the snake looked at me, you know he eats goldfish?! (they’re studying the metric system)

How was Mr. Rabe’s class? -Good, do you know he thinks he’s getting a snake, but he could only find a big one. I told him maybe we could find one for him! (they study social skills in that class)

Pretty soon she’ll find a way for the principal to have a snake in her office and we’ll be donating frozen mice to the school.

She only learns what she wants to learn and right now it’s reptiles!

I believe

• I believe in the power of attraction, visualization and getting what you need from God and the universe
• I believe that someone will come into our lives that is knowledgeable, loving, kind and confident
• i believe that belle will find a way to give her gifts to the world
• i believe that belle will find someone who will see her intelligence, humor, love, passion and creativity
• I believe that we can find (or create) a school for belle that will let her shine and be at her best
• I believe that Belle is in our life to change the world
• I believe that we will always have friends and family that will stand by us and support us

I believe that God will bring us who and what we need- It has always happened before, it will happen again

A much needed note from aunt cathy

Hi,

You sure couldn’t tell she’s having it tough in school from her adventures with Mandy   Mandy loves being the one who spoils her “secretly”.    Mandy was telling me yesterday how much more she enjoys being with Belle.  She said Belle is much easier and predictable now.

Sorry your adventures are never ending   But all your hard work is definitely paying off.  Belle has come so far and we can tell she continues to improve every time we see her.  Not to mention what Mandy tells me of being with Belle.  She is maturing, being more social and has interests that are a little easier for others to identify.  All of which makes it easier for others to talk with her, even if sometimes its just a friendly comment because she may not feel like talking right then.  Keep up the awesome adventure!!  You are truly an inspiration to us all!

Cathy

pulling rank and testing behaviors at school

My daughter’s aide asked me today if she should try to get belle to do things for herself and gave the example of throwing away her garbage.

this is what i wrote to them:

I’ll use the garbage example to explain the strategies that i would use to increase compliance and why. I’m really glad she asked my advice before deciding how to handle the situation, her patience and maturity is greatly appreciated.
my recommendations-

1. continue to build trust and respect- the more maribel feels safe around you the more she will want to do things for you when asked or even independently.
2. make requests in a positive proactive way- “Belle, how about if we move the garbage can right next to your desk for a while then when you need to throw away your garbage it will be right there.” In that way your are making the assumption that eventually she will be independent in throwing things away and assuming also that it was only a logistics problem as apposed to her being defiant.
3. make things rule based- ” the janitors have a rule that we throw away all of our garbage or we can’t eat or play here anymore – and we don’t want to get ants.”
4. break it down into small steps or make it a team effort- “belle, i’m gonna get your milk carton, can you grab the plate and throw it away?”
5. ask for help instead of giving orders- “I’m so busy right now- can you help me clean up here so we can move on to —-?”
6. reinforce- “thanks for helping, cleaning, following the rules!” “you earned a __”
7. appreciate small steps toward compliance, respect and cooperation throughout the day.
8. model what you would like to see and hear-
9. make it fun? that could be tricky, but we have lots of fun at home doing boring things

basically i think: familiarize, desensitize, reinforce.

I often think of that movie “My Big fat Greek wedding” when she says that her trick to get her husband to do anything she wants him to is to make him think it was his idea. It works with men and Belle!

of course, you don’t have to do all the things above with every issue, but one or two should help move things in the right direction.

Also, it helps that I’m aware of the problem because i can really emphasize at home that she needs to be responsible for herself and not to expect others to do things for her- even me!

Conversations with Belle- by Dad

What is a Canadian?

Belle had seen something in a cartoon about people from Canada. Keep in mind she is 12 years old. “What is a Canadian?”, They are from Canada I told her. “Do you know where Canada is?” I asked, She told me no. She was surprised to learn that she had been there, that we hosted people at our summer home from Canada and that I look at Canada every day from my office window across the Detroit River.

Basic things like this can be taken for granted by us, or not put together by her from school last year. However, the good news is Maribel is asking, inquisitive and learning.

What is a Bad Word?

Today Belle wanted to know what a bad word was, who decided words were good or bad or what is really  wrong with these words? “Are people afraid that if you hear it you will say it?” she asked. At times, Belle seems to focus on something like this and will ask over and over – what is a bad word and what are Peggy and I really worried about? Recently she has asked about violence and horror also. “Why can’t I see it on TV? Are you afraid I will do something?” she asks.

On the surface it seems like an obsession. Questions over and over, from every angle. A deeper view would be is that Belle is asking pretty profound questions about wrong, right, morality, control, self righteousness and the like. She is trying to understand the crazy world around her. Even with her speech and language issues – she comes across unanswerable questions. “Who decided a swear word is a swear word?”  I sit back and say that is a good questions.

The influence of TV

Maribel doesn’t have any children in the neighborhood or school that call on her to play. Most of her days in the home are watching TV or working on the computer. We try to get her out and about including her daily horseback riding. That said, she watches a lot of Animal Planet and likes cartoons like the Simpson’s. She is focused on the age rating of shows and is constantly trying to understand why we restrict or limit her access to violence and language. “What are you afraid of Mom and Dad?, Just because I hear it, doesn’t mean I will say it or do it”. I talked to Belle about the influence of TV – whether it be ads, shows or movies. We talked about how sometimes people learn things on TV that seem cool or make people laugh, but are really inappropriate. She seems to struggle with our role as parents and is trying to understand why we do what we do. “What are you worried about Dad”. The answer is the world!

Music

Maribel listens to her IPOD everyday. When we are in the car, she has to use it when we drive. She is currently listening to Worship Jams. “Dad – what is The Savior? What is the Son of the Lord?”  Maribel didn’t go to CCD instruction like our boys. Getting her to sit, listen and memorize was out of the questions. She also doesn’t like Church because of the singing and load noises. So I explained about Jesus and his relationship to God. “Is God a spirit or a person? Is he the alpha boss of all the people? Does he have white hair? How did Jesus die and come alive?” and then “hey, Dad, I need to learn more about this stuff”  I never stop being amazed about what she can learn and how/where she will pick things up

Reincarnation

Yesterday I was trying to get a hug from Belle, which can be a challenge. I asked, “Belle – how come the dogs get a better hug from you than me?” – “Well, Dad, maybe after you die you can come back to earth as a dog and I will give you a hug”

Grandma

“Grandma is getting older”.  This was prompted by me telling Belle that her Mom turned 50 this month. “Is she going to die soon?”. she asked – I clarified “are you talking about Mom?” – “Yes” I explained that 50 is young and her Mom could live another 50 years to which she replied, “then Grandma is getting old and I don’t want to lose her. And who is going to record my favorite shows when she’s gone?”

thinking positively

Well my motto when i started this blog was that i would only write what is working, or what went well, or what new strategies worked, so it’s no surprise that i haven’t made an entry since school started two weeks ago. My daughter’s been scared and overwhelmed and upset every day and all my tricks of the trade are proving useless now that she’s in a place where she feels out of place and incompetent.

All i can say is that i’m calling in all the resources i have and looking for new ones for support, considering all our options, canceling all my committments so that i can intervene when needed, and spending a lot of time comforting my child.

Autism services don’t exist in all school district and when the system is out of whack there is nothing in the repertoire of the child with autism that can help them cope and function at their best. You have to give 150% in order for her to give 50%- otherwise you’re in a negative spin that’s very hard to get out of.

adrenaline highs and lows

Managing my daughters energy levels has always been difficult, from getting her to sit still or be patient to our more recent challenge of keeping her alert throughout the day- especially on a school day. I’ve been questioned over the last year about her hours of sleep (which range from 10-12) or diet in an attempt for school staff to figure out why they couldn’t get her to stop laying down and even falling asleep during the school day once she hit middle school.  I read up on “how your engine runs” and talked to my daughter and the school staff about giving her heavy work, or a walk, or a water break when she gets sleepy- and lots of comfort since i knew that the more stressful the situation the more tired she became. I basically felt that sleepiness became a coping mechanism for her in very scary, overwhelming, or foreign environment.

Now i’ve learned a new factor that comes into play in autism- adrenaline levels. when the child is scared adrenaline shoots up in a fight or flight response and then almost as quickly it shoots back down leaving the child with no energy left to function.

Makes sense.

She wants the power

One day belle overheard a song on the radio and asked about the words. I said that it was “everybody wants to rule the world” by Tears for Fears and it was no surprise that Belle thought it was the greatest song. she has good taste in music, and……. she would like to rule the world. Of course, i used it as a teaching moment with belle and said that yes, many people wish they could rule the world, but it’s usually the bad guys and that most of use work together as a team to make the world a good place to live.

now i’ll use it as a teaching moment for people working with belle (especially those who wish they could rule the world). Release the power and see belle blossom!

• -I try not to hold things over belle’s head she’ll only see it as a threat. i usually try to distract her with things to look forward to in the (near) future, but not in a way that would make her feel like she might not get what she wants if she doesn’t cooperate.
• -I often let belle initiate conversations, rewards, interesting activities etc, she likes to have control and power so if I offer up things she usually will still ask for privileges and treats so I wait until she does and then grant them if possible.
• give her choices, but lots of space and time to process.
• let her take the lead whenever possible. you’ll find that she is one of the most creative, resourceful people you’ve ever met and you’ll be glad she touched your life.