the saving phone call
there is nothing that i appreciate more than a phone call made at the perfect time that prevents belle from getting agitated or angry. The negative emotions are very seldom unavoidable and with my experience and understanding of her and our very close relationship it’s easy for me to nip most problems in the bud by talking to whoever is interacting to belle to get an idea of the situation and then talking to belle in a calm objective way so that she knows what is expected of her, what should happen next, what the dilemma is and what we can plan when we’re back together to relieve her frustration.
- last week she went to the pet shop with her sitter to scope out hamsters and they didn’t have any! she talked her sitter into taking her to another pet shop in town and when they were also out of hamsters (why are those stores always full of hamsters when you don’t need one!) Belle started to get upset. It’s not fun to be with belle in public when she’s starting to get emotional so i’m sooooooo glad that her sitter called me. She explained where they were, where they had been, belle’s frustration and that belle wanted to to try some other stores. I asked to talk to belle and she said “we’re in the middle of nowhere and i want to go to the store where we got our other hamster and she won’t take me there (of course neither of them knew where that was).” It only took me a few minutes to explain to belle that i would be home in 40 minutes, she should go home with her sitter, and then her and i would make some calls and go where there are hamsters. sometimes it’s my voice that calms her, my reassurance that everything will be ok, my ability to put things on a time table that she understands, an explanation of the other persons behavior that she can’t understand (time or cash limits), a distraction of telling her what she can do while she’s waiting for what she wants (special interests come in handy here) and my commitment to do what she wants done if it’s at all possible. I then talked to the sitter and explained what belle and i agreed on and they happily headed back home and waited together until i got there as promised.
perfect!!!
Deductive reasoning and misunderstandings
- -she enjoyed going to the show with her brother last week, her brother has mentioned that he has a new show he would like to take her to….therefore he will be taking her to the show this weekend.
- -she loves contests, a contest was put into place as school in th subject of her special interest, she was consulted in the prize selection…… therefore she will win the contest.
- -she has been provided with a safe space with her posters, special supplies, privacy and quiet…….therefore she expects to have a say as to how often and how much time she spends there.
- -she earns computer time each hour for cooperation, but one day a very considerate teacher allowed her to use her personal computer (against the school rules- and much more fun!) …..therefore, belle expects all the teachers to share their computer, and for all teachers to give her special privileges (the fine line between special needs and special everything)
persistance, perseveration and patience
i see persistance as a virtue, and yet it can be hard to have someone beg, negotiate, bargain and outsmart you for an hour in order to get you to agree to get her a rabbit for a pet, or to take the dog to a carnival (he doesn’t do well there) or to go to the mall one more time. If the obsession slips into perseveration we have to resort to distraction and/or a replacement reward for moving away from it, but if there is ”just” verbal interaction about the subject for what can seem like hours I usually can finally say “I’ve had enough, I can’t take this anymore, we’re not having fun together right now and we need to stop talking about this and move on.”
hey, i’m only human!
“Mom, if i do good today at the dentist and at school did i earn a webkin?”
I was pretty impressed when i heard this from my daughter. She’s setting goals, working toward them, advocating for herself, connecting with my needs and expectations AND getting herself another webkin for her collection (which we don’t need). I hope that she is able to transfer those skills to her teachers and in the classroom. It really is amazing progress.
cream in the oreo cookie
As a mom of a child with autism and her main advocate I often find myself calming her, explaining her thought process, reactions and feelings, and tempering other’s reaction to her. I have found that it’s best not to let things pass, but to intervene asap to help everyone learn from the situation and to help prevent the relationship from becoming irrepairable. I try not to make any assumptions about how she’s being treated or even that she’s ever reacting. My goal is increased communication, social connection and emotional stability for belle, and increased knowledge and compassion by others.
example:
-I’ll help Belle to relax at the checkout AND i’ll hint to the clerk not to get too personal with her comments about our merchandise.
-I’ll explain to Belle that people don’t always understand how she feels AND I’ll ask peers to be a little more patient.
-I’ll explain to Belle that Daddy is in a hurry AND I remind Dad that we promised a short shopping trip.
-I’ll tell belle that she has to be more flexible AND I’ll tell her teachers that she needs frontloading
-I’ll tell Bellle that she needs to give things a try even if they look too hard AND i’ll insist that her work be modified.
-I’ll explain copyright laws to Belle related to the website that her brother is helping her with AND I’ll tell her brother to be a little more patient and take time to explain.
-I’ll tell Belle that emotions are confusing and people don’t always look happy when they say they are AND I’ll suggest that poeple interact with her with a little more consistancy between their words and expressions.
-I’ll tell Belle that everyone has different opinions and she needs to respect that AND i’ll explain to others that she takes differences in opinion personally – that’s how her mind works.
-I’ll tell belle that people laugh at eachother and some people laugh more that others AND I’ll explain to people that she doesn’t like to be laughed at.
basicallly- she has to live in society and society will have to have some respect for her autism.
i learned something new!
It amazes me how interesting and puzzling autism is and that i can continually learn more about what it is, how it effects my daughter and our family and new strategies to try.
what did i learn last week?
- shaping techniques that can be used to modify behavior (I still feel like you have to be an expert to do this, but we’ll see)
- how to put a less desirable behavior on cue and then work to extinguish it (can we put refusals and complaints on a schedule?)
- how people with autism can have trouble with revisualization which effects their understanding of what the final results of something might look like preventing it from being attainable.
- it’s necessary to set limits with verbal fascinations (well, for my own sanity i’ve already done that)
- that autism impacts abstract reasoning and visual perceptual skills along with what we already knew (social, communication, auditory processing, behavior, and sensory processing)
What will i discover tomorrow that will help me get through another day?
