the “stern” look

belle and i have been working on why she feels the staff get frustrated with her and i drew her a chart that showed

belle + “yes” +”ok”= staff 

She seemed to respond well to that, but i also explained that the staff can also get frustrated about things unrelated to her and that if they ask her to do her work they are not always frustrated. Then we reviewed the nanny 911 concepts of communication and respect.

Hard concepts…… i wrote to her teachers to explain what Belle and I had talked about so we could send similar messages.

Her teacher wrote back:   Belle talked with me this morning about “stern” looks and what that means.  We explored that sometimes people don’t look happy or sad or angry while they are giving her time (ie: to engage in tasks, check her schedule, make a choice, etc.).  She ended up calling that the “blank” face.  it was a good discussion.

If that’s not communication and respect I don’t know what is.

START-Statewide autism resources and training

If you live in Michigan START is going to be your best resource, as a parent, to get the services you need for your child.  Going to the workshops enabled me to gain the knowledge I needed to advocate for my child, work as a team with the school staff, provide the best placement possible for my daughter, understand what strategies work for kids with autism and why, and to stay hopeful that my daughter will live a full productive life.

go to their conference next week in Lansing!!

http://www.gvsu.edu/autismcenter/index.cfm?id=D0CEDF6A-ECB0-AB25-74D203B376AB0A22

START supports parents 100%!!!

Nanny 911

My daughter always amazes me by being attracted to TV shows that fill some of the academic, behavioral or language gaps in her life. She loved poko who taught her about sharing and feelings, She loves funniest home video when she needs to bridge the gap with family members and share a laugh. She learned how to read and greatly improve her vocabulary by watching between the lions religiously. And now she is really into nanny 911. It’s interesting that a child who is very rigid, has poor frustration tolerance and trouble seeing other’s perspective would love a show that shows just that in other children. She invites me to watch along and we discuss the feelings, facial expressions and communication abilities of the family members. She’s starting to see the recipe for success -rules, respect,+reinforcement, and communication. Belle went off to school this morning a little concerned about a problem she had with a staff member yesterday and we both agreed respect and communication is all that’s needed. She came home glowing!
Thanks nanny 911!

reflective listening/theory of mind

belle struggles with people disagreeing with her when she complains about other students.

Her and I talk frequently about other people’s opinion, some theory of mind stuff about how others can feel differently than she does, how it feels for her when she thinks someone isn’t listening to her and how she can express that she’s not feeling listened to if someone gives their opinion instead of really listening to hers. she’s been watching nanny 911 and sees the nanny mediate between kids and their parents to help the kids express those types of feelings instead of acting out and then we have been practicing together.

It’s best to reflect what belle is saying  and try to avoid:

• agreeing that the other student is grouchy or a problem (or “hates the world”?)
• disagreeing that the other student is a problem and saying that “we love him, he’s so sweet”
• ignoring belle (unless reflecting doesn’t help)
• saying that she’s wrong or interpreting it wrong

Saying “it sounds like you feel____” or ” belle do you feel___?” or “sometimes it can seem like_____” or “is he always_____?”

and even asking belle if she’s feeling listened to and prompting her to ask to be listened to if not really helps!

***nanny 911 is also great for talking about how people with different facial expressions and in different situations might be feeling! she’s putting herself in other people’s shoes!

We even had a chance to talk about why she doesn’t like praise and how important it is to hear more good than bad from her teachers and that’s why they praise her so she should think about that when she hears it. We’ll keep working on that one!

Eustacia Cutler/ Temple Grandin

I’m reading Eustacia’s book A Thorn in my Pocket and love it! I see her speak this thursday and will let you know what she says, but for now get her book and read it. I loved chapters 7 and 8 especially. She’s so practical, intuative, passionate and loving. She was raising Temple during the dark ages for autism, but had and used many resources to help them both survive. A good lesson.

i should have thought of bugs before

Why didn’t i think to send dried edible bugs to school with my daughter before this!!?? It was a really fun way for her to connect with others at school, seeing who would eat the bugs and having lots of laughs about who tried but couldn’t. Where to get them? the specialty candy store or novelty shop- enjoy!

para meeting – this is the info that i thought was important to share

Family –Mom and Dad/adoption. Relationship with brothers/girlfriends, sitters. They are for fun, not “work”- outings, movies, museums, treats, shopping etc., but none of that would happen if belle wasn’t on her best behavior.

Behavior at home- happy, cooperative, polite. Doesn’t earn something for everything she does, but every privilege she has has been earned at some point. She does whatever I want her to do (but I try to make her think it’s her idea).

Words have a different meaning to belle- to us “ok” can mean “maybe, whatever, you’re crazy, ok, we’ll see, we will discuss it again later when you’re not so upset, or even no”, to her “ok” means “OK” that’s it.

Complaints- give me clues as to what she’s thinking and feeling, it’s my job to figure out what they mean ( I don’t take them at face value). I listen, not argue.

Theory of mind- can effect belle’s ability to cooperate, comply, show her work, accept praise, sensor her words, or consider the effect her words or actions have on others. She can’t put herself in your shoes, especially when she’s upset.

Presume- her love of learning, desire to get along, desire to cooperate, that she is a fun-loving kid. She is happy when everyone’s happy!

Consistency, rules, routine = happier Maribel

 

it’s not what you say or give, it’s how you say or give it

 

When giving “rewards” to my daughter I often say “because you_____, I can ______ “or “Sure we can_____, since you were so cooperative with______.” “Or you did what I asked and were polite, we can ______.” I catch her doing something good and use what I would do with her anyways as verbal feedback and reinforcement. It avoids praise, making a big deal, singling her out, “holding things over her head”, frustrating her about being submissive, and threats (which can occur with if /then statements). I try to be creative and occasionally throw in the “Sorry I can’t____, because you didn’t ____.” Positive feedback is 3-5 x more frequent than negative- we build up the bank. I strategize everything I say to her.

what to presume

Many advocates for autism recommend presuming intellect and that is good advice, but still doesn’t always cover the spectrum of things that should be presumed about people with autism. I think it’s just as, or more important, to presume a desire to learn, a desire to understand, a desire to communicate,a desire to love and a desire to behave and cooperate. When my daughter is given the right supports she would much prefer to learn everything she can about everything, get along with everyone, and do what she is told. She would never be oppositional just to give me trouble, she does it if she’s scared or confused. She would never refuse to learn something if it was presented at her level, modified appropriately, offered multidemenionally and in an interesting way, without already having very bad experiences with it in the past. If everyone could see the intellengent, gentle, kind, loving, cooperative child I see- or at least could presume those things in her-she would have a better chance at building relationships, learning, blossoming, and reaching her full potential.

working with the school team

meeting with school staff can be tense and I know over the years that we have had IEPs , METs, staffings and “team” meetings, that I’m often on one team and the school staff are often on the other. I understand that many characteristics of autism make it difficult for parents and staff to see eye to eye- melt downs and agitation usually make everyone tense, accusatory, defensive and frustrated.

right now, we’re in a great team and our meetings are collaborative and productive. for example:

me- belle comes home and complains about Henry (her aide one hour), she says he gets mad at her

staff  – the problem is that what belle tells you at home is not what happens at school (I’ve heard that one before)

me- well, it must mean something

staff- words are behavior- is she being reinforced for complaining to you, is she getting attention?

me- hmmm, i listen, try not to react, don’t take sides, listen and use the information to help her problem solve. I try to get her to come up with ways to improve all of her relationships. Should i be ignoring her?

staff-that shouldn’t be necessary, but you can’t believe everything she says

me-maybe we could just discuss why she might possibly be saying what she says about certain staff? Words are behavior and they can also be communication.

staff- she does seem to reflect her own feelings on the staff- if she’s tired she says they are, if she’s frustrated she says they are.

me- that’s an interesting concept and helps me understand a little

staff-her complaints could also mean that the staff member is firm and consistent with her, insist that she do her work that hour before free time. Her and that particular aide actually have a lot of fun together and she is nice to him. He was able to give her a special treat today too- an invitation to see a special turtle presentation.

me- ok, so we agree that saying that she is exaggerating or trying to to attention from or manipulate me doesn’t help. She has a complaint and it might not be all facts, but it could give us some information to help us all problem solve, gain insights and teach her coping mechanisms- right?

staff- yes

me- ok, that helps a lot. thanks!!!