Living symbolically

In yoga we call it a mantra, in church we call it a prayer, in parenting a teen with Asperger’s syndrome (well, parenting period) I call it ” focusing on values” or ” living symbolically”.
I change my focus from time to time. Right now my symbols/ values include-
Family – my kids, my husband. They’re all that matters.
Love- for myself, my marriage, my family, my passions, my health.
Flexibility- go with the flow, release expectations, relax standards, let it go.
Optimism- it will all work out for the best!

Fact based statements

I’m often told to use fact based statements when working with my daughter. I like to be a little tricky with them and use them to my advantage when possible. I have many different categories of fact based statements. In this example my daughter is complaining that some students in class whispered and pointed at her and she thought they were making fun of her even though 2 of them are her friends. she went back to home room and complained. these are some of my suggested responses-

• the matter of fact statement- “well, I guess baking didn’t go so well today, but it’s good you stayed the whole hour. time for Drawing!”
• the Self Esteem builder- “some students are rude and whisper when the teacher is talking, I’m very proud that you followed the rules and were quiet during the presentation”
• the reinforcer- “you stayed the whole hour and got all your points!” Give her a bonus for tolerating the whispering, and some extra attention if she wants it.
• the empathy fact statement- ” I hate feeling left out, my kids feel left out sometimes, whispering feels bad, those girls are your friends and you probably wish they had included you in their whispering, one of my students was very sad once when she was left out”  (she likes to know that you understand how she feels)
• point sheet facts- “you did great yesterday even though the girls were arguing and being bossy!”
• behavior plan facts- “even if you’re upset you’re still expected to go to class and do your work”  (she won’t like that so much but if she’s starting to draw things out and use it as an excuse I use this).
• teen facts- “yes, teens whisper, yes teens can be rude, yes, teens don’t always follow the rules like you do”
• Choice facts- “you made great choices in that situation!!” “some people make bad choices and they will deal with the consequences” “these are your choices now”
• reality facts- “some girls may have been whispering, but not Dani, she’s your friend” “Dani wasn’t one of those girls was she?”

Some of those statements move her forward, some give her reinforcement when she deserves it, some help calm her, some just help her keep things in perspective without opinions, advice or arguments.

Making friends on the beach

Always exploring

Hands on learning works for us. And having the exploration area a good hike away and near a great place for lunch is healthy and rewarding!

Smells!

We have something to celebrate. We just got through a whole week vacation without any rude or embarrassing remarks about smells or bad breath. It’s not that she didn’t notice or comment on it, it’s just that the comments were quiet, discrete and polite -”something smells like its dead” quietly, instead of ” who stunk up the bathroom?” loudly, or ” I can’t breathe” instead of “your breath stinks.”. She even checked her own breath and BO and went for the toothpaste, gum and deodorant when available!!
Big steps!
Of course it’s been a long hard road- ABA, a point system, a timely reinforcement schedule, scripted appropriate responses, social stories ( if someone has bad breath I can move away, chew gum, ask them if they would like a mint, put on chap stick etc), distractions, use of a service dog for tactile comfort and distraction and practice, practice,practice.

When you’re looking for friends there’s something to be said for Asperger’s

I had a long talk today with my daughter about friendships, trusting relationships, commitments, partnerships, fidelity, honesty, and love. She asked me if she’ll ever be able to find someone who will love her, not go with someone else, be ok if she doesn’t want to have kids, and be honest with her. I said yes, there are people like that and that if, when she’s ready, that’s what she’s looking for I’m sure she will find it, but that she should keep in mind that one of the best qualities of Asperger’s syndrome is loyalty and honesty so if she wants someone with integrity, basic values, similar interests and a sense of commitment she might look for someone a lot like herself.

Can ABA help OCD?

YES!!!

If you’re setting goals with your child like less frequent hand washing, less worries at bedtime, less finger biting, less need to touch door knobs etc, then ABA can be a tool in your tool box, along with the possible combo of meds, sensory integration, and psychotherapy, to help your child achieve their goals! ABA can help you set baby steps, agree on a reinforcement menu, reevaluate your goals, add or change goals, help your child self evaluate, and help you all learn tools and strategies.
My daughter suffers more from obsessions than compulsions so we work on, ” they’re looking at me” “she’s mad at me” ” her eyes are freaking me out” ” they’re laughing at me” ” I can’t do it” “it’s too hard” ” they’ll say it sucks” etc etc. So we work on overcoming fears, expressing concerns, sharing her feelings, working on anger and frustration, embarrassment and jealousy, and most of all reinforce bravery ( in teeny, tiny increments).

Empower your child now and free them from the prison of OCD!

***ABA in this article is not referring to intensive clinical trials in an office setting. It’s referring to working on goals in the child’s natural environment.

For cautionary information please see-
Donna Williams-Touette’s tics and OCD should not be mistaken for stims.

Withholding information

Sometimes life can be too much. When you have Asperger’s syndrome you’re already dealing with sensory issues, social deficits, anxiety, and loss on a daily basis so adding someone else’s problems to the mix can be more than person can handle. We make a point not to lie or fabricate information, but sometimes holding back information like a couple breaking up, a sitter moving away, or a friendship dissolving, is the best for our family. If months go by and my daughter doesn’t even notice that her sitter has gone from weekly to monthly to not at all, or we are hanging with her brother alone instead of with his girlfriend then we’ve saved her from feeling some of the drama of our life so that she can save her energy for the drama of her own. If she asks (which amazingly she often doesn’t) we tell her the facts, if she is sad or excited or anxious, we listen and work her through it and if she’s confused about human behavior then we try to help her understand without her making it about her or because of her. Sometimes, in the life of someone on the spectrum, rejection, on top of failure, on top of isolation, should not be mixed with unnecessary grieving.

Reinforcement 101

A primary reinforcer is the main thing that a person wants in life and will do anything for- food, sleep, sex, etc. It also includes access to special interests, favorite people, favorite things , free time, favorite subjects. So how do you get students who are dependent on access to access to primary reinforcers to cooperate and learn when the subject is boring, the teacher is “mean”, the book has no pictures, or there is no social time built into the class hour? The use of secondary reinforcers. We all use them everyday- our paycheck at work, grades at school, praise from our loved ones etc, but we can also use them creatively- use the students special interests in writing word problems, attach point value to work, give an hourly rate that can be turned in for time with special interests like computer time etc. Basically, pair what they want ( fun and free time) with what we want ( hard work and learning), create the link between the 2, and you’re on your way to success!

The sandwich technique

Whether it has to do with teaching new skills, scheduling classes, getting through the school day or meeting new people it’s always best to sandwich the new, unfamiliar, least favorite, or even scary experience between 2 very comfortable, enjoyable, exciting, easily accomplished experiences. Better yet, sandwich your student between 2 people they really like also!
Transitions and challenges will go smoother, learning will increase, and compliance will improve.
Appetizers and dessert!!